Begin with curiosity
You do not have to solve everything in one conversation
A change does not automatically mean something is seriously wrong. What matters is noticing patterns, checking in without judgement and acting when your young person needs more support.
A simple way to begin
- Say what you have noticed without guessing the reason.
- Ask one gentle question and give them time to answer.
- Listen first, then agree one small next step.
Step 1
Notice the pattern—not one bad day
Teenagers can have difficult days, need privacy and move between friendship groups. Look for changes that are unusual for them, continue over time or begin to affect daily life.
Step 2
Start gently
Choose a calmer moment. Some young people find it easier to talk side by side—on a walk, in the car or while doing something familiar—rather than sitting face to face.
“I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed yourself lately. You’re not in trouble and you don’t have to explain everything now. I just want you to know I’m here.”
Step 3
Listen before trying to fix it
What can help
- keep your voice and body language calm
- thank them for telling you
- take their feelings seriously, even if you see the situation differently
- ask what they need from you right now
- agree one manageable next step and check in again
What can close the conversation
- “You’re fine” or “Everyone feels like that”
- rapid questions or demanding an immediate answer
- lectures, comparisons, threats or punishment
- rushing to solutions before they feel heard
- promising secrecy if there may be a safety concern
If they shut down
Keep the door open
Silence does not mean your attempt has failed. Do not force the conversation. Make it clear that you will still be there, then return to it calmly.
“Okay. You don’t have to talk now. I’ll check in again tomorrow because you matter to me.”
- Offer another way to communicate, such as text, a note or speaking to another trusted adult.
- Keep ordinary connection going—a drink, a lift, a programme together—without making every moment an interrogation.
- Check again at a clear time rather than leaving the subject indefinitely.
Step 4
Agree the next small step
The next step might be another conversation, more rest, help with a friendship problem, speaking to school or making a GP appointment. Keep your young person involved wherever it is safe to do so.
A simple plan
Safety concerns
Act if you are worried they may not be safe
Ask directly and calmly if you are worried about self-harm or suicidal thoughts. Listen, stay with them and seek help. Do not promise to keep a safety concern secret.
- If someone’s life is at risk, they have seriously injured themselves, taken an overdose, or you cannot keep them safe: call 999 or go to A&E now.
- For urgent mental-health help in England: call NHS 111 and select the mental-health option, use NHS 111 online, or ask for an urgent GP appointment.
- If the concern relates to school: tell the designated safeguarding lead so support can be coordinated.
Trusted information used for this guide
Reviewed 18 September 2026. This page provides general guidance and does not replace advice from a healthcare professional, school or emergency service. NHS routes shown are for England.